Letting go of the preference for a certain outcome, especially when you're really attracted to or deeply love somebody, is one of the most difficult states to attain. How can you be in a relationship and not want it to work out, right? Why wouldn't you want to get off of Match.com and be exclusive after you FINALLY meet someone you actually click with? Giving up your preferences for the outcome you want can be one of the most freeing decisions you ever make and can take you and your relationship, or future relationship, to the healthiest possible place.  

We have become a society that seeks pleasure and avoids pain at all costs. This is a function of both social conditioning as well as basic neurobiology. Today I want to focus on social conditioning and how it can get in the way of simply being yourself.

The focus in this blog has been on men in the context of the significant relationships in their lives. I also do some couples therapy. A lot of calls I receive are from women seeking couples therapy with the aim of getting help for their male counterpart or men asking for therapy at the behest of their girlfriend, fiánce, or wife. Sometimes men come into therapy blind, not really understanding what portion of the problem they are bringing to the table, but do sometimes genuinely want help despite not understanding. This week I want to elaborate on the differences in how men and women think, stereotypes and stigma that plague men in relationships, and an expanded version of CBT may shed some light on these issues.

Competition is good: it leads us to raise the bar and set higher standards for ourself that impel us to improve. This can be a great boon to one’s success, and is the driving philosophy behind Capitalism. The problem is that this competition can seep into our personal relationships, lead us to challenge our partner at times when support is needed, create demands that can sap the vitality of a relationship when people start keeping score, and even end up draining energy from our own well-being.