As I've stated before a large part of our energy goes into seeking pleasure and avoiding pain (click here). There is a certain utility in this, but the problem that arises from this is that we can start to invest so much in avoiding painful experiences that we close ourselves off to an important motivator to make the changes we need to make in our lives. I'm going to propose a new perspective of break ups and point out two distinct benefits of what we otherwise tend to see as a solely negative experience.

If you've gone through a breakup you've probably told yourself that it is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. There is no doubt that it can feel that way, but shifting your perspective can make a breakup one of the most powerful tools for personal transformation. That broken, mangled heart could in fact be the best thing that ever happened to you for two reasons:

1) Because when we stick to what is familiar, that whole avoiding pain thing, we don't put ourselves out of our comfort zone to take on new perspectives and overcome blocks to living life to our fullest potential.

2) Sometimes an emotionally painful experience will be the only thing that will motivate you to stop doing what doesn't work and learn to do what does.

Let me start by addressing the second reason. What I have found both personally and professionally is that when men are having repeated bad experiences in relationships it has something to do with their behavior. This can be difficult for men, but lets face it. You being here means that you've also had your share of bad experiences with women and are trying to figure this out. Coming to acceptance of this is the first step in your personal transformation. Know you are not alone in this. Despite the impression men try to portray many men, including myself, have been through it. You may feel shame, but in this community of men you will not be made to feel inadequate about it. Stewing in those negative feelings and beating yourself up about it is one option you have. The other option is to embrace the feelings and use them as a sign that it would be helpful to you to reflect on your behavior in relationships and commit to at least making some tweaks with your behavior in relationships.

Those who have come through the other side of shame, embarrassment, sadness, and inadequacy know that these emotions do not define you. They are just some of the many emotions we all feel in life. A rich life comes from experiencing the full range of your emotions and having full access to every aspect of your personality. This opens you up to experiencing your full potential in life!

Furthermore, when you commit to your path of personal transformation you understand that failure is the road to success. In other words your broken heart could be the best thing that ever happened in your life. If it hasn't been this way for you, then it is high time you shifted your perspective and your belief system to make that experience one that propels you and your life in a direction of motivated, positive change for yourself.

My divorce forced me to confront one of my greatest fears: being alone and single in my 30's. Facing this fear actually had the opposite effect from what I feared, and actually liberated me from the closed minded way I was living my life. That liberation made it clear how many different limiting beliefs I was operating by, how they were holding me back from the happiness I was seeking, and preventing me from living my life in an authentic way. Seeing myself living a different way, and doing things differently, led me to come to terms with the fact that the way I was behaving with women was the reason for my relationship struggles and not women themselves. These two benefits worked synergistically to propel me into a life that now feels true to my identity and a healthy, loving relationship.

Some people will say, "Oh, that is just shock." Well, whatever it is, you have a choice. You can harness that energy and let it take you forward to a better life and a better you or stew in all the negative feelings and avoid this opportunity to rethink how you are approaching life and relationships.

Whatever you decide to do, remember, a man's true strength comes from facing his emotions and fears directly, not in denying or avoiding them. If you have been living your life with tunnel vision thinking of breaking up only being a bad thing for you, chances are you've been limiting the range of emotions you feel and thus the full force of your personality.

Credits:

http://danbolton.com/Daniel_Bolton%2C_LMHC/Blog/Entries/2012/5/30_The_Co...

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