From: (---------------------------)
To: (---------------------------------)
Date received: (---------------------)
Subject: can you blame me for wanting you?

how are you?! I wanted to say hello and tell you how devastatingly heartachingly beautiful you are, and very interesting as well.....as long as you are still available for dating and maybe even marriage, feel free to call my cell ------------------ so as to help me expedite the process of courting you..
we could chat over the phone and maybe meet to see if there is a mutual attraction, physically and otherwise, and if there is, we can then proceed accordingly, like maybe I can try to get a kiss after singing you a song and tugging at your heartstrings...sound like a plan?
..I don't have all the answers..I have a few suggestions, ;)..
..and lastly, can a guy look at that pretty face and not fall in love?

your humble suitor,
----

This message, on it’s face, may sound perfectly normal and even sweet. Under the hood a closer look reveals a man that seems to be pining for attention and validation. Even if he’s not, this message could easily be misconstrued in this way. But seriously, who pours it on this thick during their very first interaction with another person? At best this would come across as one long, run-on pick up line.

The thought process goes something like: “If I compliment her well enough then she’ll accept my advances because flattery is what a woman wants.” Well, no actually. Women sure don’t mind flattery, but they ultimately want it to be authentic flattery that is not just some superficial attempt at courtship. They want that flattery to grow out of having some unique insight into who they really are. 

In fact most nice guys try to speak to people by telling them what they think the other person wants to hear instead of just talking to them. This is a very common way nice guys try to interact with others, and in the context of dating it often results in nice guys being overly flattering. This is a dynamic often referred to as people pleasing. Saying what others want to hear may be good at assuaging an agitated boss and keeping your job, but it can undermine attraction in the short-term and be an intimacy killer in the long-term.

The worst part about people pleasing is that eventually it cannot sustain itself. Even if it somehow does lead you into a relationship, over time it will wear on you and thus on the relationship. Healthy relationships require honesty and open communication, and people pleasing is actually dishonest. Some people have taken on the nice guy persona so much that they are not even aware they are not being honest, and have even convinced themselves that giving others what they want is the right thing to do, even if it is at their own expense. The nice guy dynamic leads to a relationship's demise because if you are a nice guy either you will grow resentful of giving up your own needs, or your partner will lose respect for you because they sense you're lacking in the self-respect department. 

For more real messages just like this that show examples of what works and what doesn't work to establish attraction and an honest foundation to a great relationship check out Getting to the First Date. For just about the price of a latte you can find the insight you need to give your dating life a boost. 

One major reason I re-started a men’s group this past year is so men don’t need to feel alone in this process of finding the relationship they're seeking, or making the relationship they're in one in which they experience true joy and companionship. This first group in my more focused series of groups I plan to open is for men like you who have felt inadequate, not good enough, undeserving, or reluctant to be more assertive about going after the things you want out of life.

If you're a nice guy who is tired of being left in the dust, doing all the right things yet not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I am running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I'm here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get you where you want to be in life, and the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It's your turn now... It's time to make it happen! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: www.selfrespectforniceguys.com. This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation. 

Make sure to reserve your spot in the group! Availability is limited... www.selfrespectforniceguys.com

Also available...

Get the eBook here: www.danbolton.com/FirstDateBook

Download your free online dating companion Online Dating Checklist for Men now! Get your head write and into the right mindset before you even send the first message, a checklist of tips of what to write and what not towrite, and guidelines to keep in mind as you write up your online dating profile.

My 10 week mini-course Dating Advice for the Non Pick Up Artist is still being updated. It will be back online shortly with updated content… Stay tuned!

For more on Relationship Advice for Men visit www.danbolton.com

Credits:

www.danbolton.com/FirstDateBook

www.danbolton.com/checklist

Zoe Langosy, illustrator https://www.etsy.com/shop/LangosyArts